Positive Liberty

In an e-mail exchange, a reader has confronted me as follows: Homosexuality is a sickness that affects your brain. It makes you unhappy and predisposes you do bad things like use drugs, have unsafe sex, and commit domestic violence.

I protested that I do not do these things. I pointed out that I was very happy, that I’d worked out almost all difficulties that gay people often have, and that my emotional life was more or less without any major problems.

The reply? You are too sick, and too crazy, to notice the trouble that you are in. If you aren’t doing these bad things now, then you will be soon. You are like a schizophrenic who has lost touch with reality, and I am here to help you. And the proof that you have lost touch is that you are actually happy being gay.

Now this is crazy talk. Its power as an argument–for want of a better word–is that it cannot be falsified. Because it is so self-referential, it can be lifted from homosexuality into any other venue of life without losing any of its alluring unfairness: You are ill because I say so, and disagreement is just one more proof of your illness. If you are sad and self-destructive, then you are on my side; if you are happy and doing well, then you are on my side even more.

Against such arguments there can be no reasoning.

Fortunately, my e-mailer is an extreme example, and most people, even most anti-gay people, do not hold such views. If I were a lazy blogger, I might note this message and then gesture vaguely in the direction of the religious right, hoping to tar as many people as I could. We term this behavior PASWO blogging, which stands for Point At Something With Outrage. It is the laziest technique in the blogger’s arsenal, and I am resolved to avoid it.

Instead let’s imagine a continuum between this e-mailer and a militantly pro-gay individual. The pro-gay individual might say something like this: “None of my problems are my own fault; all of them are the result of the homophobic society that I am forced to live in. If gay people use too many drugs, have too much sex, or commit domestic violence, it is because of traumas they received from straight society.”

Now, I would suggest that the continuum between my e-mailer and the pro-gay position I have just outlined is nearly contiguous with the political map of attitudes toward gay rights in the United States. One side blames gays for everything; the other puts all the blame on straights.

Neither extreme has a particularly strong argument; where the e-mailer’s cannot be falsified, the hypothetical pro-gay argument closes off all potential for genuine gay self-examination and self-betterment. Both represent dead ends, and a compromise between them hardly sounds any more promising, at least from the standpoint of trying to live a healthy, well-adjusted gay life.

You will note that as I see it, politics is secondary, as it is, I suspect, with most straight people, who put the greater part of their energies into living healthy, well-adjusted lives. Or at least we trust that that’s what they are doing. Shouldn’t we be doing likewise?

Now, it is certainly true that gay people have some problems, and that many are far more troubled than I am. It is also true that many of these problems really are the fault of a homophobic society.

Mercifully, though, the problems we experience as gay individuals are quite often within our own power to solve, even if they did originate from the bigotry of others. This is the message I’ve taken away from Joe Kort’s 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives. Kort argues that gay people really do have the power to live happy, successful, emotionally fulfilling lives. He does so without blame on either side, and his poise is certainly one of the most remarkable aspects of this short work. For example, Kort discusses the delayed emotional adolescence that many gay men experience:

Unfortunately, society overlooks this delayed developmental stage in gay men and, though the lens of heterosexism, sees only an adult carrying on like a teenager–being radical, sexually promiscuous, angry, and immature. The result is a sweeping generalization: “That’s just how gay men are.” Because these behaviors are so visible, homophobic and homonegative writers and mental-health experts have decided that this is the “gay lifestyle.” They label all gay men immature and developmentally stunted and refuse to follow the transitional stage to the end of its cycle.

But like most straight men as they reach their middle 20s, gay men eventually settle down, feel more comfortable with themselves, and become less “in your face.” [pp 57-58]

For once, telling gay people to get to work on their emotional lives isn’t blaming them: Here, Kort presents it as a transitional stage of life, one that we often haven’t had the chance to go through yet. Blame on either side is counterproductive; only growth will do. And straight people should be forgiven for a system that they have inherited just as much as we have.

Another section of the book I especially liked was this discussion of some of the benefits of gay culture:

One. We’re not bound by gender roles. When we’re partnered, stereotypical expectations don’t exist. Everything has to be negotiated–just as it should be in a relationship. We get to decide what works best for us….

Two. We tend to explore and examine our sexuality more openly than heterosexuals. Heterosexism and homophobia have forced us to talk about our sexuality and develop a language for it. Many heterosexuals, both male and female, have difficulty knowing what they want, let alone talking about their desires.

Three. Gay culture is very honest. I think our best features are courage, assertiveness, and affirmation. It takes bravery and sincerity to come out of the closet in a society that would rather we stay passive and dishonest. When we are honest enough to come out, others become honest with us as well. It forces truth to the forefront for all.

Are gay people immature? Are they unable to admit that they sometimes have problems? Do they in fact have problems, some of which are quite serious? Yes to all of these–sometimes. But people like Joe Kort are working to change all that.

If you are having a difficult time living as a happy, well-adjusted gay male, I would definitely suggest reading his book. Although I have been openly gay for over a decade, I still found insights that I consider valuable. These included tips on communicating with one’s partner, how to tell if you or someone you know has an addictive sexual behavior, and even the surprising relationship advice that lesbians could give to us all. Many and perhaps even most gay self-help books deal with coming out or with finding a mate. While this one could certainly help on both counts, it’s also got something for gay men at all stages of life.

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